I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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