who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
