Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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