My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
