Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
