My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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