My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
