I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
