It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
