Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
