just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
