i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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