I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
