OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
