Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
