I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
