I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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