I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
