I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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