Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
