the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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