I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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