i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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