New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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