This is not my ceiling
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
