I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
