After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
