ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
