never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
