Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Randomize
