I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
