Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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