I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
