in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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