Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
