im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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