she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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