i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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