Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
