I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
