Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
