I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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