Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
