Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
