I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
