youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
