y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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