Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
