my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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