dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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