Jerry, you need to find god
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
