Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
