you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
