I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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