I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
