is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
