Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
