Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
