I'm gonna have a badass scar
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
